How Gay Bars Influenced This Writer’s Life
These social spaces are sites of both pleasure and isolation in Gay Bar: Why We Went Out, a new book by Jeremy Atherton Lin.
In 2017, the writer Jeremy Atherton Lin noticed a spate of media coverage mourning gay bars in London, more than half of which had closed within the last decade. From NBC News to the Guardian, nearly all the coverage contained a similar slant, which played into a popular narrative: gay bars as beacons of liberation, central to the formation of queer identity and community. Which caused Atherton Lin to wonder, For who?
“Going to your first gay bar — I feel like it’s told with so much agency,” Atherton Lin told me over the phone, from London recently. “Especially for the generation before me, a lot of times it’s like, I was so nervous. I walked around the corner because I couldn’t bring myself to go in, but then the next night I did and everything was illuminated and the drag queen smiled at me and I was gay.”
He thought about that narrative in relation to his own experiences. Throughout his life, gay bars offered solace and excitement, but they just as often disappointed, excluded, and baffled, providing Atherton Lin with more questions about his identity than answers. The popular story about the gay bar, it seemed, centered a dominant flavor of gay man: cis, white, conventionally masculine. As a self-proclaimed outsider — being “mixed-race, a bit of a flamer, the son of an immigrant, and so on” — he wanted to “trouble that a bit.”
Atherton Lin lives in the Brockley neighborhood of London with his partner, the artist Jamie Atherton. They run a publishing project together called Failed States, a journal founded by Jamie that investigates various ideas around place. Past issues explored themes like “Suburb” and “Refuge.” Atherton Lin credits Jamie with introducing him to “place writing,” a genre to which Gay Bar belongs. “He just pays attention,” Atherton Lin said. “He’s really taught me a lot about paying attention.”
From bar to bar, the physicality of each city gives shape to Atherton Lin’s prose. “London is a great city for looking up at the third or fourth floor of buildings,” he said. “San Francisco, of course, is great for not knowing what’s over the hump of a hill. Los Angeles — it seems the streets will stretch forever, all mirage. The way these places are made really does translate into structuring the writing.”
Despite its title, Gay Bar was not intended as a definitive cultural history, but rather, “the story of what the gay bar meant to me,” Atherton Lin said. “I’m not a historian.” The title was meant to feel small, he said, like lyrics from the Frank Ocean song “Good Guy”: “Here’s to the gay bar you took me to.” “Gay bar” more as footnote than declaration.
The book is heavily researched, with source material that includes everything from Disidentifications, by José Esteban Muñoz, to back issues of the bar rag Attitude, and even a Yelp.com review. These sources accumulate without hierarchy; when it comes to gay history, and gay nightlife in particular, Atherton Lin knows that what gets whispered across bar stools at 2 a.m. can be just as valuable as the documents he culled from the Gay and Lesbian Archives. Gay Bar is cultural history as gossip, funneled through Atherton Lin’s sharp, nimble, and often devastating voice.
Unlike a historian, or even a conventional memoirist, Atherton Lin is interested in blurring the distinctions between nonfiction and fiction. “I think the narrator of this book, which is some kind of version of me, is not an authority,” he said. “Officially, you have to be in a category, so I’m a nonfiction writer. But I make some allusion to the fact that I might not be that concerned with whether something is a bit of a myth or an apocryphal — I’m OK with that.”
This relationship to performing a self on the page feels biographical, somewhat intuitive. “I think when you grow up feeling like an outsider, reality becomes what you wish it was, what you fear it could be, how you think others might see it, how it’s given to you by TV,” he said. In a book about gay bars, that tension — between real and fake — is baked into the walls. “Gay bars are sites of genuine artifice,” he writes. “We go out to be real, which in gay argot can mean fake it.”
To transport himself back to those dark, intoxicated spaces, he made playlists for each chapter, which he’d send to his editor. Owing to the spectrum of bars he visits across time and genre, each playlist is “totally eclectic,” he said, while describing most of the songs as “total trash.” But listening to them helped him locate the textures and rhythms of his former selves, to access a certain register while writing. “Like whatever would have played in that cruise club? That music is all meant to sound like poppers make you feel like— like very Rush. It makes you feel a bit ahead of yourself.” The music also helped him edit. “My playlists are always about the transitions,” he said, “and about what is omitted.” (His advice to writers? “Make playlists.”)
Smell is another consistent tool. In a sex club, “it stank of the clammy skin of white Englishmen, which is like wet laundry hanging to dry without wind.” At the leather bar The Eagle, “it smelled of all the places where a man’s body folds.” Of what he thinks CK One should smell like, based on the ads: “tangy like the ditch between scrotum and thigh, or of mud or gasoline.” Of his partner Famous, sans deodorant: “His odor is celery and mine is pencil shavings.”
Through his nasal passages, Atherton Lin replaces the sanitized gay body with something more fleshy and human, making visceral a common taboo in popular culture: depicting gay sex, in all its tactile glory. By extension, he’s hoping to challenge the media-friendly conception of gay men as perpetually groomed, perfumed, and disinfected — a response to the AIDS epidemic. “Smell is wrapped up in [gay sex],” he said. “It feels like you’re not supposed to talk about it.”
It’s through smell that Atherton Lin is finally able to identify where he fits. After a boy he takes home one night recoils from the smell of his armpit, “I’d come to realize what kind of fag I was,” he writes. “Dirty.”
Gay Bar’s subtitle, Why We Went Out, was intended slightly as provocation. “I’m obviously not speaking for all of gaykind,” Atherton Lin said. But then the coronavirus happened, turning an already faltering industry belly-up and forcing the average barfly into retirement. After a year defined by social distancing, when staying in meant saving lives, I asked Atherton Lin if there was anything in particular that he missed about going to gay bars.
Or as he writes in Gay Bar: Why We Went Out: “It was becoming apparent that being homo did not amount to being the same: I clearly was not like other gays.” Atherton Lin’s debut is a book-length essay told through the lens of the gay bars, nightclubs, and sex parties he’s frequented over the span of nearly three decades. Hopscotching between California, where Atherton Lin grew up, and London, where he currently lives, the seven chapters are organized by city and place. But rarely is he comfortable staying put. Instead, each bar is a portal, allowing him to plunge down wormholes, excavating far-flung strands of queer history that he braids with strains of memoir. The effect is destabilizing, a kinetic bar crawl through space and time and subculture. In lieu of cohesion he achieves something richer, if not more knotty: the gay bar in a state of irresolution, providing a hall of mirrors onto which his identity contracts, expands, and sometimes fractures.